I’m ready to come clean on something, and it’s quite personal. This is one of those posts that attempt vulnerability and authenticity. If you’re uninterested, of course scroll past. If you’re tired of me, please unfollow. If you think you see through my bullshit, call me on it. But I’m gonna see if I can call out my own BS here…
The photos above are of my partner, Alexa. She is the one whom I have spent the majority of my time, energy, and affection in 2018.
I sort of ‘scouted’ Alexa’s gifts and unique qualities just almost-exactly one year ago. Believe it or not, it wasn’t actually in the normal way a guy might assess a female of her kind of beauty.
…continued from Instagram…
At that time, I was ‘involved’ with a mutual friend of ours, and I’m embarrassed to say now that it was to a point of infatuation, really. But that situation, along with the fact that she herself was in a long-term partnership long as I had knew her, allowed me to form a genuine platonic connection with Lex.
The qualities that stood out to me in Alexa at that time were more professional in context. I came to know her as the brightest hostess and server at one of my favorite cafés in town, and then gradually we ended up in the same circle of friends. It was the eve of New Year 2018 that a group of us ended up celebrating at her apartment, and I saw that the dedication she embodied at work wasn’t just for the job.
That night, as she swirled about to serve us tea and provide all that she could for our group to feel welcome and comfortable, I realized that she possessed innate and cultured traits; virtues of what many o’ new agers would call ‘space holding’. I’ll try to describe them, though I would be strained to do it justice…
Alexa is graceful. She takes care in presenting her self, as well as those things of which she is responsible for. She demonstrates integrity. She is true to what she wants and needs. She has awareness of her surroundings, and empathy for people, as well as all beings it seems. She is real about her emotions, without projecting them unto others. She is playful and funny and youthful, yet sincere and realistic and dedicated to her own maturation. She has a lot to learn, and willingness, even enthusiasm, to do so. She is showing just about all of the signs of actually becoming a woman – an adult – which I happen to believe is quite rare.
Now of course, I didn’t consciously recognize all of this on the spot, and really these qualities I mention somewhat still live in potential more-so than everyday, consistent reality of her being. But the point is that I caught a glimpse into this very special person’s heart at that time, and what I saw was someone with whom I wanted to invite to ‘hold space’ at THE space (the venue I own and steward in Hilo). Lex resonated strongly, and with little negotiation she came to work with me and help manage the space, which really needed it at the time.
Looking back, I’m honestly so proud of my intuition…
Just as we started working together, that other person I had my heart invested in made choices that – to me – far from honored my investments (to put it lightly). My heart was broken, so to speak. As a coping mechanism, I followed my instincts to spend (much) more time working, mostly with Lex, to rebrand the space (from “Hilospace” to Space & Light Creative Center) and put on more communal offerings in the form of events and workshops. See the year before, following a hardship with a different break-up, a good friend gave me a valuable piece of advice that stuck: “When you’re feeling lack, give.” It indeed helped me at that time, and that’s what I aimed to do again on a larger scale.
Lex was outstanding at her job of course, but the surprise was that she was also excellent at intuiting my state, which couldn’t have been easy. I’m kind of a ‘poker face’ and I was doing everything to convince myself that I’d sort it out and be fine; that I was a resilient and sovereign guy. But really, underneath it, I was distraught. Day after day, with a light touch, Alexa found ways while we worked to offer me emotional support. And it took me but a little while to gather that her own partnership was (privately) heavily-strained and unhealthy at that time and for a long while prior. Apparently, as much as I did, she needed the creative outlet, and probably more-so the platonic and unconditional support that was all each of us could offer from our then-traumatized conditions.
Fast forward through the year, Lex and I have grown continually closer, co-creating the entire way, and painfully transitioning – together – out of each of our prior (toxic) partnerships into a fresh, bright and regularly rewarding primary relationship with each other. It has been proven that this is a connection that serves to heal rather than harm each of us. From this place, which each other’s care and the amazing fun that we have, we can create wonderful things that can perhaps serve others, too.
Like our relationship, the space as a brand has evolved to become something more. What was simply “space” – void, longing to be filled – has become Space & Light, the enterprise that represents harmonious unity of polarized energies.
The scope of what we will create and for how long of course is unknown, but what we re-present and strive for daily is ours to agree upon and, in all intentions, share with the world though our creations.
For now, it is a modest-sized yet pure-in-energy venue in a small town on a small (Big) Island, and now… a brand new if quirky recipe blog. However, our approach is now, just as it has been for each of us, to view the potential as boundless. But this time, in this relationship, we are clearly mutual on this.
Thank you for following this story, and being patient with me as an individual, as I stumble, explore, experiment, fail and succeed. I welcome your viewpoint of what I (and we) share, and I appreciate your patience and acceptance, as well as your personal dedications, creations, and collaborations that serve your life, and beyond.
I don’t know if I have ever released to a public sentiments this sacred and vulnerable, but I have a feeling it is an important gesture to do so. If it at all rings with you, I suggest and encourage you to consider doing similarly, in your own way, of course.
With Love, Ryan